We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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