remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
