I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
