Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
