Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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