You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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