do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We got so high we made milksteak
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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