can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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