Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
