He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
