I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Damn victory sex feels great
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
