Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
