I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
