I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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