stop calling my apartment porn island.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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