I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
