I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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