I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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