Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
