I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize