I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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