I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
