I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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