I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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