Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize