What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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