his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
