seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
