dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have aggressive nipples.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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