so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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