i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
