He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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