My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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