I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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