wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
