just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
