Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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