HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
