Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
