My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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