my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bring me that man meat
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
