I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
