saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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