i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
