they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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