This is not my ceiling
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
