Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
