every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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