I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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