You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
