I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
