i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
