Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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