in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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