i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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