how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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