I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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