So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
