Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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